Xmas Xtravaganza of Xmusic: Day 4 (by Dave Machado)

It's officially the Holiday season so I thought I would start a new series to help guide us safely to Xmas Day (where we celebrate the birth of Jason X). Each day, I will showcase one song that I enjoy as a way to expand upon the list of Holiday music you listen to each year. I'll also give you a few fun facts about each song to help you appreciate the significance of it.

Day 4: All I Want For Christmas Is You (by Mariah Carey)

"Make my wish come true/All I want for Christmas is you!"

I have returned from my Thanksgiving induced food coma to continue this important series. After missing a few days, I figured it was time to bring out the big guns (boob pun). Say what you will, but I have a real soft spot for this song. I don't care for the rest of her Christmas album (except Joy to the World) but this song alone makes the existence of it crucial to the enjoyment of the Holiday season. I tend to enjoy lots of cynical anti-Christmas songs (I love the holiday, but cynicism always wins out over Merriness and Joy) but this is a good example of a great modern Christmas song that actually celebrates the holiday (without being all "Christ-y").

Fun Facts:

• Mariah Carey released a new Christmas album this year.
• Sub Fun Fact: No one cares.
• When I sing this song in my car, I am most likely singing to a DVD Box Set I have my eye on.
• This song plays an important part in the movie Love Actually, which is a movie I love about 1000x more than I should. Seriously, I watch it every Christmas season.
  

You're Welcome,
Dave

Previous Days:
Day 1 (Christmas Night of the Zombies - MxPx)
Day 2 (Christmas Tree - Lady Gaga)
Day 3 (Santa Claus is Coming to Town - The Pointer Sisters)

Xmas Xtravaganza of Xmusic: Day 3 (by Dave Machado)

It's officially the Holiday season so I thought I would start a new series to help guide us safely to Xmas Day (where we celebrate the birth of Jason X). Each day, I will showcase one song that I enjoy as a way to expand upon the list of Holiday music you listen to each year. I'll also give you a few fun facts about each song to help you appreciate the significance of it.

Day 3: Santa Claus is Coming to Town (by The Pointer Sisters)

"He sees you when you're sleeping./He knows when you're awake."

I have loved this song since it appeared on A Very Special Christmas in 1987. This cassette would get played the most during Christmas season at my house, and I'm pretty sure I learned all the words to every song. But no song on that tape held a special place in my heart like The Pointer Sisters' version of Santa Claus is Coming to Town. It's a wonderful bit of 80s cheese and provides a fun nostalgia trip every time I listen to it (which during Christmas season, is a LOT!). The song is fun enough to make you forget about the weird stalkerish tones regarding how much Santa is watching you all the time. He's behind you now!

Fun Facts:

• The line near the beginning "I want a BICYCLE" is the greatest line in the history of Christmas songs.
• Since it was the 1980s, the snow used in the music video for this song was pure cocaine.
• Santa no longer visits June Pointer. She died in 2006.

You're Welcome,

Dave

Previous Days:

Day 1 (Christmas Night of the Zombies - MxPx)

Day 2 (Christmas Tree - Lady Gaga)

Dave's Secret Family Recipe of "To Die For Stuffing"

Thanksgiving is the one time of year where Americans decide to throw caution to the wind and overeat. It's a great way to give thanks for all you have been given in life by showing how little you care about things like longevity and cholesterol levels. We Americans (if you are not an American, please stop reading this now) spend so much time watching what we eat all year that it's only fair for us to have one day where we cut loose (like the seams on our sweatpants). Now there are lots of things people look forward to during Thanksgiving meal: turkey, mashed potatoes, green beans, racist comments from your weird uncle who lives downstairs with his guitars, and of course squash. But what really gets my tummy rumbling (besides my crippling ulcers) is stuffing!

Stuffing is easily the greatest part of Thanksgiving. Everyone has that one family member who makes it just right and every year you count down the days until you can chow down until the only thing you feel is the sadness of there being no more stuffing. Now I know just reading about this has caused you to start salivating while you fantasize about that delicious dish of bread mashed together with spices and other random items but I have some surprising news for you. My family possesses the recipe for the greatest stuffing known to man! I'll allow a minute for that to sink in... Now that your jaw is back off the ground, let me tell you even better news. I have decided, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, to share that recipe with you today. So fire up that stove, roll up those sleeves, and make sure that creepy uncle is away at "band practice" because it's time to get cookin'!

Items you will need:

• Box of Cheez-Its (1)
• Salt (Lots)
• Pepper (Lots)
• Butter (stick)
• Turkey (Raw)

First, take the box of Cheez-its and open it up. Remove the plastic bag that is filled with the delicious bits of baked cheese and cut open the top. Take a minute to breathe in the scent. Once you have properly smelled the cheese, look in the empty cardboard box around the side to see if you are in instant winner. If so, please send me the box. Pour the Cheez-its into a large Ziploc freezer bag and seal the bag shut.

Next, think about something that makes you very angry. Maybe a nasty break-up, that promotion you were overlooked for even though you clearly put in the time and hard work but maybe didn't feel comfortable playing High School level backstabbing politics, or even your own mortality. In any case, get nice and riled up. Now begin taking out your aggression on that bag of Cheez-its. Keep pounding away until the Cheez-its are in nice little pieces. Don't continue for too long though, you don't want them to be mashed into a thin powder. There still needs to be some consistency to them or else the texture of the stuffing will be thrown off. If you reach the ideal point of mashed Cheez-its but still have some aggression left over, try to bottle that back inside and forget about it until a later day (or Thanksgiving meal after 3 glasses of wine).

Now you can pour the contents of the Ziploc bag into a bowl. What? It won't pour?  Oh sorry, open up the Ziploc bag first and then pour the contents into a large mixing bowl. Its understood that Cheez-its have a natural level of saltiness but since this is Thanksgiving after all, let's add a bit more. Take a good amount of salt (a can will do) and pour that into the bowl. It's OK, don't be a pussy, really get that salt in there. Once that is done, throw some pepper in there as well for seasoning. Not too much, or you will reenact a comical cliche and sneeze so hard all the contents of the bowl will be scattered all over the kitchen floor. 

Ready to do some actual stuffing? Well slow down because we are not ready yet! Take the stick of butter and plop it in the middle of the mix. Place the bowl in a microwave and let it heat for about 30 seconds. Then remove the bowl from the microwave and, using a large mixing spoon, mix up the melted butter and hot seasoned Cheez-it bits, making sure the butter gets soaked in. Now go sit down for a second. Are you sitting? Good, because now it's time to do some stuffing!

Take your turkey and make sure the inside of it is nice and empty. Try screaming "Hello" into it and if you hear an echo, you are good to go. If you hear a response, please throw that turkey out and go buy a new one because you got yourself a haunted turkey. Once you have confirmed the turkey is ready for stuffing, put on some mood music. I suggest some Barry White or Josh Groban. Once that is done, try lighting a scented candle. My favorite is Apple Orchard. You can now begin spooning the mix into the turkey. Take your time though, there is no need to rush things. I got all day. 

Once completed, pick up the turkey and shake it side to side a bit, making sure all those raw turkey juices really get soaked into the stuffing mix. You may even want to put something a little more fast paced on the stereo for this, like Benny Hill music. Once complete, gently put the turkey back down and go have a cigarette while you let everything get nice and comfy up in that bird.

Once you finish your smoke, go back to the kitchen. I'm sure you think you are done and can now just cook the turkey but you are gravely mistaken. (Such a typical female response. Oh, you aren't a female? I just assumed because you were cooking that you were. Well, if you are a male and have made it this far, congratulations, you are gay. Use that confusion the next time you need some anger when mashing up Cheez-its.) Anyway, tilt the turkey down and scoop out the juiced mix into an oven safe dish. You will not actually be cooking this in the bird. The previous steps were done simply to get as much raw turkey juice as possible into the stuffing mix. You can thank me later.

Place the dish into the oven and bake at 350 degrees. Set the timer for 37 min. You can now throw out the turkey since that's someone else's job for Thanksgiving. While you wait for the stuffing, I suggest relaxing and watching some TV. Although now that I think of it, a little exercise might do you some good. I'm not here to judge, just stating a fact. Those workout DVDs over there sure have a lot of dust on them. Anyway, do what you want, it's not my life (thank Christ). Once you hear the timer go off, remove the dish from the oven and place it on a cooling rack. Turn the oven off (I can't believe I even had to remind you) and go back to being a waste of space while the stuffing cools down. About 25 min. should do the trick. Once properly cooled, you can place the stuffing in a nice Tupperware container and put it in your fridge, where it will be ready for Thanksgiving day!

Oh, and I should have mentioned at the beginning to wash your hands between each step. If you didn't, that's gross.

You're Welcome and Happy Thanksgiving!

Dave

Xmas Xtravaganza of Xmusic: Day 2 (by Dave Machado)

It's officially the Holiday season so I thought I would start a new series to help guide us safely to Xmas Day (where we celebrate the birth of Jason X). Each day, I will showcase one song that I enjoy as a way to expand upon the list of Holiday music you listen to each year. I'll also give you a few fun facts about each song to help you appreciate the significance of it.

Day 2: Christmas Tree (by Lady Gaga)

"Ho Ho Christmas!/My Christmas Tree's delicious!"

This one is for all the Little Monsters out there. What better way to celebrate Christmas than with a giant sexual metaphor. I discovered this song last year when Amazon was giving away one free Christmas MP3 a day. You can imagine my surprise when I saw this come up because I wasn't even aware Lady Gaga had a Holiday song. I quickly did a search for the only other artist who I felt needed to have a Christmas song (Andrew W.K.) but sadly came up empty handed. After I got over the initial shock of how terrible this song is, I became to embrace it as an example of how to use subtle (SUBTLE) hints to make Christmas songs a little sexy (slutty). 

Fun Facts:

• This is one of two Christmas songs to end with the line "Cherry Cherry Boom Boom!" The other is Hark! The Harold Angels Sing by Sting.
• Christmas Tree = Lady Gaga's vagina
• Sub Fun Fact: It took me 7 listens to figure that out.
• Space Cowboy (who this song also features) was my nickname in High School.
• The balls are now in Katy Perry and Ke$ha's hands (heh heh) in order to "out slut" this Christmas song.

You're Welcome,

Dave

Previous Days:

Day 1 (Christmas Night of the Zombies - MxPx)

Movie Review: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (by Dave Machado)

*This review contains spoilers

I'm not what you would call a "Harry Potter Fanatic." I've never read any of the books and have only seen each movie once. In fact, I hadn't even seen any of them until last summer when I caught up on the previous 5 when The Half-Blood Prince came out in theaters. By the time I was all caught up, The Half Blood Prince was out of theaters making Deathly Hallows my first theatrical experience for the franchise. In a way, I'm kind of glad I waited until now to see one of these movies in the theaters because Deathly Hallows is the best Harry Potter movie so far and as of right now, one of my top 3 favorite movies of 2010. It's quite a feat for any movie to be this good, but it's simply astounding that this is the 7th movie in a major franchise.

I envy kids who grew up watching these movies. As each one came out, the themes kept getting darker and darker, perfectly matching the ages of the fans who were most likely to see the film. (I understand this probably also holds true for the books but since I haven't read any, I can't speak on them. Let's just say that I agree J.K Rowling is a genius for creating these stories.) I was a little too old when the first movie came out and I wrongly brushed it aside as childish fantasy nonsense. While I do admit the first couple films are not exactly deep like the latter half of the series, they were still surprisingly entertaining. They are also essential elements to the arc of the entire series. Everything that comes before The Deathly Hallows helps setup the emotional core of this film. It's something rarely accomplished in a long running series and the filmmakers should be rightfully applauded for it.

The one thing that struck me the most about this film was the way it was shot. Everything has a sort of gritty look to it. There is very little Hollywood slick on display and most of the action scenes use the "Bourne hand-held" camera style to very positive results. It helps pull a movie about a young wizard trying to defeat an evil sorcerer down to reality. This also has the added effect of making everything seem much more dangerous. These characters are no longer children and you can sense the actual danger they are in. By leaving behind the polished look of the earlier films, it helps give it a more adult feel, making it seem like any of these characters (aside from our main three of course) could fall at any minute.

Speaking of death, there is a lot of it in this film. One thing that I sort of had a hard time dealing with was the fact that a few of the major deaths occur off-screen. We only hear about the deaths instead of actually seeing them. I would have thought that characters such as The Minster of Magic (Bill Nighy) and Alastor (Brandan Gleeson) would have been given better treatment. I understand that these movies are to be told through the viewpoint of Harry Potter so it almost makes more sense to hear about the death the same way Potter would, but since we see other scenes that don't involve him, it was an odd choice to me. I can respect it though as it forces the audience to pay attention, something I always hope for in a movie.

But the most punishing death of all was that of the little house-elf, Dobby. I believe this is only Dobby's second appearance in the film series. He first reached almost Jar-Jar Binks levels of annoyance in The Chamber of Secrets, though I always had a soft spot for him due to his sad demeanor and low self-esteem. Luckily, they completely redeem the character this time around. They make him the emotional core of the movie's climax only to have it all taken away so fast due to Bellatrix's knife. Dobby's last lines about being happy to be with friends, as he lay dying in Harry's arms, actually made me cry. Normally I would be angered at a movie for making me cry at the death of a fictional CGI house-elf, but I was completely blown away at how perfectly they nailed that scene. My only complaint is that the movie then had one scene too many. I understand they need to get people pumped for next year's Part 2, but if the movie ended on the burial scene at the beach, I'm pretty sure I would have stood up and clapped (while stealthily wiping away tears from my eyes).

It's been said in pretty much every review written about the Harry Potter series, but the filmmakers really lucked out that the core cast (Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, and Rupert Grint) have grown into good actors. Rupert is finally given some heavy lifting to do in this movie and is able to do so in a way I didn't think he would be able to do. He is still excellent at the occasional (and much needed) comic relief but his character gets a welcome layer added to him. Daniel and Emma are also given lots more to do (dramatically speaking) and play every scene perfectly. The silent scene of Harry getting Hermione to dance only to have them resume their despair once the song is over is an excellent example of how these young kids have grown into great actors. It's going to be really interesting to see how they fare outside of the Harry Potter Universe.

It's amazing how large the cast of the Harry Potter movies has become. They bring so many characters from previous films back, though some for simple one-line cameos. I found myself going through the metaphorical search database in my head every so often, trying to place where I've seen this character before. As I stated earlier, I've only seen each movie once, but luckily the movies have such memorable characters that I never had a problem identifying an important character. This was also due to the almost unbelievable feat of the series keeping the same actors for most of the cast (save for one actor dying, which I guess is understandable).

This movie sets up the finale perfectly as it left me wanting the second half to start right away. It seems that while this movie took a wonderfully slow approach to storytelling (as a way to build the characters up in ways the series hasn't done before), next year's finale will be an all out battle. The Deathly Hallows: Part 1, as a standalone film, is great. As the penultimate entry in the epic Harry Potter series, it's a masterpiece. These movies will be talked about for years to come the same way people talk up the original Star Wars trilogy as being the defining pop culture series for a generation. Is it July 15th, 2011 yet?

You're Welcome,

Dave

Xmas Xtravaganza of Xmusic: Day 1 (by Dave Machado)

It's officially the Holiday season so I thought I would start a new series to help guide us safely to Xmas Day (where we celebrate the birth of Jason X). Each day, I will showcase one song that I enjoy as a way to expand upon the list of Holiday music you listen to each year. I'll also give you a few fun facts about each song to help you appreciate the significance of it.

Day 1: Christmas Night of the Zombies (by MxPx)

"Christmas night of the living dead!/Their face is green and the snow is red!"

What better way to start this series than with the ideal Xmas song for someone like me. It takes the joy of Xmas and combines it with the even greater joy of zombies. I was first introduced to this song when I purchased the Holiday album A Santa Cause, which you will be hearing much more about as the days go by. Christmas Night of the Zombies is loud, fast, original, and awesome. If you ever wanted to hear a Christmas song about shooting zombies in the head with a shotgun, then this song is for you. Now if only someone would make an entire movie based on this two and a half minute long song.

Fun Facts:

• This song is based on the real life Christmas Eve Zombie Epidemic of 1983.
• If you listen to this song 5 times in a row while driving in a car, you will become awesome.
• Contrary to popular opinion, most Zombies actually celebrate Hanukkah.
• This is the only song worth listening to by MxPx.

You're Welcome,
Dave

15 Things That Would Get Me To Read George W. Bush's New Memoir (by Dave Machado)

George W. Bush's memoir, Decision Points, was unleashed into the wild on Nov. 9. Since I have no interest in reading this book, I decided to have some fun and give you my list of 15 things that would have to happen in order for me to consider buying this book:

1. The audio book was narrated by Gilbert Gottfried and contained copious amounts of laser gun sound effects.
2. The entire book was George W. Bush reviewing his favorite 80s action movies.
3. The title was changed to Megashark vs. Giant Douchebag.
4. The book was a whodunit thriller about a detective (George W. Bush) trying to find the culprit who ruined America. (Spoiler alert: it was him.)
5. It was ghost written by Josh Blue.
6. The entire book was a written apology to mankind (both past, present, and future).
7. Every paragraph break was filled in with pictures of Katy Perry's cleavage.
8. George W. Bush spends the entire book trying to coin the phrase "Presidential Sweets."
9. Lots of pug pictures.
10. It was a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every time you make the same decision Bush did, it leads to a "...and now you're dead" page.
11. Every chapter ended with the words "Skeet Skeet..."
12. All the color pictures in the middle section have Bush replaced with the black kid in the wheelchair from Malcolm in the Middle.
13. 3 Words: Full Frontal Nudity.
14. It was 700+ pages of George W. Bush talking about how silly he feels about having been so religious while in office. He then embarrassingly reveals his regret over letting his religious beliefs cloud his judgement when trying to make decisions for our country.
15. It was a memoir of George A. Romero.

You're Welcome,

Dave

DVD Review: Splice (by Dave Machado)

I always find it disheartening when certain types of movies are thought of as just brain candy. They get incorrectly labeled as superfluous distractions that may be entertaining but leave us with no real substance to digest. I'm typically a big fan of these movies and find lots to chew over where many others find emptiness (see: Kick-Ass, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World). It's usually the "B" movies that get this unfortunate label as certain people are not able to see past the gimmicks and get to the heart of the story. Splice is one of the better examples of this that I have seen in a long time. While I fear some may be put off by the sci-fi elements of the story (which are fantastic), once you are able to get past that, you are rewarded with a rich story that wrestles with multiple philosophical issues while also being one of the best movies of 2010.

Splice centers on scientists Clive and Elsa (played by Adrien Brody and Sarah Polley) who are employed by a large corporation and tasked with creating organisms that will lead to important medical breakthroughs. To do this, they have successfully spliced together the DNA of multiple (non-human) organisms in order to create a new species that can be studied in order to possibly find the cure for all of life's greatest diseases. When they are told that they are to stop splicing and focus on getting the protein that is needed from their current specimens, they decide to go off the books and experiment on their own. By adding human DNA to their already successful organism, they are able to create a new life form that is both highly intelligent and possibly dangerous beyond anyones imagination.

If years of sci-fi movies have taught us anything, it's that all instances of humans playing God will end tragically and/or violently. Splice is no exception. In fact, the movie plays tribute to the original God of cinema, Dr. Frankenstein, by having the main characters named after actors from James Whales's 1935 masterpiece, Bride of Frankenstein. The new organism created in Splice ages at a very advanced speed, giving Clive and Elsa the idea to let it live so they can view the species entire lifespan in a short span of time. One of the great things about this movie is seeing how the creature, named Dren, evolves over a short period of time. At key points throughout the movie, we see that this creature has developed numerous defense mechanisms that make it very difficult to put down.

The best thing about Splice to me was that it was able to incorporate a surprisingly human subplot regarding the way victims of abuse tend to become their tormentor as they grow up, usually without even realizing it. It was amazing how they snuck that idea into an already overloaded movie without causing it to seem like the cast and crew bit off more than they could chew. Between philosophical debates about the obligation of mankind to do everything in our power to further our species, even at the risk of harming what cannot easily be described as other lifeforms, the movie takes a very smart left turn and grounds the story in some very human drama. It all unfolds in an organic way that to me never felt forced. It's amazing that Splice works as well as it does, which I think causes me to have more respect for it than other sci-fi movies that take the more expected route.

There were a few things I didn't like about the movie, namely the final act, which has a twist that is too easily telegraphed and causes the movie to delve quickly into a generic horror setup. It was disheartening to see such a smart sci-fi movie that deals with very human issues boil down to a "stalk and kill" climax. Luckily, the payoff puts the movie back on good footing, but for a while I was afraid the whole thing was going to implode. Certain characters become far too expendable and it seems they were almost shoehorned into the movie specifically for the final few "horror" scenes. These complaints, along with a bit of hammy acting from the supporting cast, are certainly not large enough to ruin the movie. 

I hope more people give this movie a shot. I get tired of always saying that, but typically the movies I love the most are the ones that need a bigger audience in the first place. Fans of sci-fi will love this movie unconditionally but I think even those who typically shy away from these types of films should give it a shot. Splice challenged my perception of right vs. wrong while also providing one of the coolest sci-fi creations (Dren) that I've seen in quite some time. Help celebrate unique and intriguing storytelling by seeing Splice. I have no doubt we will be singing it praises years from now as a true classic of the genre.

You're Welcome,

Dave

Video Game Review: Read Dead Redemption: Undead Nightmare (by Dave Machado)

I love zombies. Anyone reading this who knows me knows this is a true statement. I also love Red Dead Redemption. After playing through it this past summer (I take my time with games I love, as I don't want them to be over), I realized it was easily my favorite video game of all time. So it may surprise you to know that when I first heard that Rockstar Games would be releasing an add-on to Red Dead Redemption that would feature zombie play, I was skeptical to say the least. But as word slowly came out that it wasn't just throwing zombies into the landscape and having you run around to kill them, but an actual separate story taking place in the Read Dead universe, I began to warm up to the idea. By the time Undead Nightmare was released, I was officially hooked and couldn't wait to reenter the world of John Marston that I loved and missed so much. Now that's I've spent a few hours playing it, I can say for sure that Rockstar made the right choice and have created one of the most fantastic examples of downloadable content for a game I have ever seen.

I was hooked into Undead Nightmare right from the opening cut scene. Acting as if the final few missions of Red Dead Redemption didn't happen, we see John's wife and son waiting for him to arrive from some errands late at night. He arrives without fanfare, though they are all a bit concerned that John's uncle has not returned home yet. They decide to wait until the morning due to the storm and head off to bed. We then cut to the middle of the night and John's uncle, now in zombie form, bursts into the house, attacking John's wife Abigail before John is forced to take him down. Abigail is seen bleeding from being bit in the neck and John calls his son Jack outside to help his mother. Abigail then proceeds to turn and bite her own son, causing John's family to become raving zombies. After securely tying them up, John head's off to the nearest town to find a doctor and hopefully a cure for his very sick family. Welcome to John Marston's Undead Nightmare.

I really love the idea of Rockstar not treating this as a sequel or feeling the need to shoehorn the real ending of Red Dead Redemption into the beginning of this story. That this game stands on its own as a separate universe. I would love nothing more from Rockstar than to have this be the beginning of a franchise of one-off games that take the characters from Red Dead Redemption and place them into different stylized genres. Who wouldn't love to see John Marston taking on alien invasions or solving a whodunit murder with Noir undertones? I would easily pay $10 every 4-6 months if it meant a new alternate-universe adventure with the characters I have come to love.

Everything from the original game has been slightly tweaked in order to create a true horror atmosphere. This leads me to believe that the makers are true zombie fans and not just cashing in on the current craze of adding zombies to preexisting games. The big difference between what Rockstar did and what others have done before them is that they did not simply drop zombies into the world of Red Dead Redemption. Instead, they took the characters and settings of Red Dead Redemption and dropped it into a zombie apocalypse. Everything is different, towns are left in post-apocalyptic ruins, everything has a rotting green tint to it, and even the soundtrack has been given an upgrade, giving it a late-Hitchcock era feel, complete with piercing violins.

The laws of zombies are held pretty much in tact. If you want to take down a zombie for good, you better aim for the head, otherwise you may just knock it off its feet.  It will buy you some time, but it's going to pop right back up and keep coming after your delicious flesh. Also, if you are too late in saving a fellow survivor and they become zombie food, don't turn your back on their body. As long as their head is intact, they quickly rise back from the dead as well and will attack. The only other way to take them down is by using your new torch, which will roast their bodies until their brains are burnt to a crisp and they topple over with a satisfying "Thump." Whenever you come upon a horde of the undead, it becomes a fun challenge to take them all down properly using only the few weapons at your disposal. 

Most of the undead hordes you find will be attacking the familiar towns from the original game. There will be a few survivors helping you "cleanse" the town and once that is done, you are rewarded with ammo, guns, and other fun items to help you later on in the game. It's worth noting that money and the honor system have both been done away with. What good are money and honor in a world where the undead walk the earth? Now, killing an innocent, living survivor purely for his extra ammo holds no more weight than blowing away one of the nasty undead. It's a fun and believable exclusion from the original game that really helps create the illusion that you are now playing in a new kind of world.

Luckily these typical zombies are not the only new villains. There is also a few more "evolved" creatures that will take a bit more thought putting down. Zombies such as the Boomer, Charger, and Hunter... oops, wrong game. I meant to say that zombies such as the Retcher, Bruiser, and Bolter add an extra challenge, usually when you least expect it. While I joke about the similarities between these super zombies and the ones in Left 4 Dead, it was still a good addition from the folks at Rockstar as a way to keep the player always on their toes. I would have liked for something more original but to be fair, the new zombie types are only similar in a very generic way, as none of them are exactly the same.

One other thing to look out for while trying to save the world are the new breeds of zombified animals. So far I have encountered undead bats, boars, bears, and bwolves (I couldn't think of another "b" animal I saw yet). They don't seem to behave much differently than before (though bats are a new breed in Red Dead to begin with) but it's still cool to take them down. There are some other mythological surprises as well, best of which being the dreaded Bigfoot! I've yet to see the creature myself but I have run into a crazy old man shooting in the woods telling to me be on the lookout. While none of these animals have an impact on the main storyline, it is just another way that Rockstar has gone out of their way to make the world of Undead Nightmare the best I've ever seen in a video game.

I doubt you need me to tell you explicitly at this point, but if you own Red Dead Redemption, you need to buy Undead Nightmare. It is such a great expansion to an already perfect game. Priced at only $10, it makes for one of the best deals you can get. Even if you don't own the original yet, now is the time to pick them both up. You will not regret it. I'll give a quick update once I complete the game (I'm only a couple hours in at this point) but I just needed to sing its praises now to help get the word out. I love zombies.

You're Welcome,

Dave

DVD Review: The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (by Dave Machado) (More Parentheses)

For those who have yet to hear about The Human Centipede (First Sequence), let's get right down to business. It's a movie about a mad German scientist who sews three people together in order to create one living organism that shares a single digestive track. If this sounds like it may be too much for you to handle, then it most likely is. Now I typically enjoy horror movies that revel in the sick and perverse so I was very excited to finally see this movie. I built up how disgusting it must be based on the hype it was getting and ultimately, I did what I was afraid I would do. I over-hyped the sickness factor and when the movie was over and I had yet to feel any physical reaction to what was on the screen, I was oddly and sadly disappointed. 

That's not to say it's a bad horror movie. In fact, it's a pretty great achievement in original storytelling. But in the excitement to see the movie, I made the subconscious decision to wrongly base the movie on its gross factor instead of the actual storyline. I can see how some people would not be able to sit through a viewing based on the subject matter though. But if you've made it through the Saw or Hostel series, then this is a good step up to something that feels more organic and not a genre gimmick ("torture porn").

The thing that really makes The Human Centipede stand out as a great horror movie is the creation of a new horror icon, Dr. Heiter (played by Dieter Laser). The movie takes place in Dr. Heiter's home country of Germany, and if generations of pop-culture stereotypes have taught us anything, it's that Germans are creepy. While it's easy to roll your eyes at a cliche evil German mad scientist, it's the little things that make the character stand out. I was afraid during the whole movie they would add some Nazi-sympathizing trait to Dr. Heiter but luckily that is never the case. They also don't make him so over-the-top that you start to root for him the way we typically cheer on the evil monster in current horror movies. We are simply dealing with a mentally unstable former surgeon (primarily known for the separation of Siamese twins, how ironic!) who has decided to torment a group of humans in one of the most inhumane ways possible.

The victims themselves were one of the few problems I had with the movie. We are introduced to 2/3 of the Human Centipede early on in the film. Two young women, Lindsay and Jenny (played by Ashley Williams and Ashlynn Yennie), are on a trip through Europe and are planning a night out in Germany. On their way to the party, they hit pretty much every possible horror movie cliche that leads them to Dr. Heiter's house, all the while being a very irritating duo to focus on. They get lost on a fairly deserted road at night and then get a flat tire, only to discover they have no cell signal and the one car that stops is a weird fat German guy who wants to have sex with them. So once he drives away, they decide to just walk through the woods but it becomes very cold and begins to pour. That's when they randomly appear in front of Dr. Heiter's house and ask for help. He then proceeds to help by drugging them and tying them down to hospital beds.

It was fascinating how irritating I found these two characters to be. I would have expected a movie like this to really make the victims sympathetic early on so you felt for them later. Knowing what would become of them, I actually caught myself thinking "Jesus, I can't wait until their mouths are sewn to an ass so I don't have to hear them anymore." I then realized two things: I may need therapy and I think that's the point of this movie.  It's almost as if the director set out to make them annoying to the point of you not caring about them and then putting them through something so horrific that you completely switch gears and realize how terrible you are as a person for even wishing them harm in the first place. It's a fairly brutal experiment but it pays off and makes the movie a much more powerful experience.

I also enjoyed the decision of having the 3rd victim be a Japanese male who spoke no English. It makes sense in that the doctor needed victims with little to no connections inside Germany but it was a surprise that they would have it be someone who cannot speak English. It sort of continues the trend of worse case scenarios for these two women. The male, Katsuro (played by Akihiro Kitamura), actually ends up being the voice of the victim later on in the movie as he is the "head" of the centipede. While I'm sure there is much to discuss from a feminist and sociological viewpoint of having the two women simply become the legs and continuation of the digestive system of this new "creature", it mainly worked for me because it continued the horrific victimization of these two women we have been following since the beginning of the movie.

We never learn much about Katsuro. We are first introduced to his character as he is being dragged out of Dr. Heiter's car, unconscious. We never see how he was caught or what he was doing in the area. He is a character that Lindsay and Jenny (and the viewers of the movie) are never given a real connection to until he is literally connected to the them later on in the film. The women have their voice taken away due to the surgical procedure, left to only muffled cries for the rest of the movie (much to Heiter's dismay. He realized too late he should have also removed their vocal cords when he was setting everything up). They are now part of one creature that they cannot even understand, as they do not speak its language. Everything about their humanity has been stripped away, they are truly just the excess pieces needed for the centipede to get around.

As you can see, this movie covers lots of dark territory. It's a movie that can be extremely difficult to get through for some. For me though, it was nowhere near as difficult as something like Antichrist was. Unlike that movie, The Human Centipede is a movie I can actually recommend to any horror fan who is looking for a good original story. It's interesting to note that a sequel is already lined up for 2011. I wonder how they will be able to top the torment of this movie other than adding more victims (which could backfire as the viewers then have to spread their sympathy between more people, causing it to have less of an impact). I have one suggestion that would make it a far worse experience, which can be summed up in one word, "pregnancy." For now, I suggest giving this movie a try. It's not high art (don't expect a Criterion release), but it's still an interesting movie and, due to its originality, is one of the bright spots within the horror genre in the past few years.

You're Welcome,

Dave