15 Things That Would Get Me To Read George W. Bush's New Memoir (by Dave Machado)

George W. Bush's memoir, Decision Points, was unleashed into the wild on Nov. 9. Since I have no interest in reading this book, I decided to have some fun and give you my list of 15 things that would have to happen in order for me to consider buying this book:

1. The audio book was narrated by Gilbert Gottfried and contained copious amounts of laser gun sound effects.
2. The entire book was George W. Bush reviewing his favorite 80s action movies.
3. The title was changed to Megashark vs. Giant Douchebag.
4. The book was a whodunit thriller about a detective (George W. Bush) trying to find the culprit who ruined America. (Spoiler alert: it was him.)
5. It was ghost written by Josh Blue.
6. The entire book was a written apology to mankind (both past, present, and future).
7. Every paragraph break was filled in with pictures of Katy Perry's cleavage.
8. George W. Bush spends the entire book trying to coin the phrase "Presidential Sweets."
9. Lots of pug pictures.
10. It was a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every time you make the same decision Bush did, it leads to a "...and now you're dead" page.
11. Every chapter ended with the words "Skeet Skeet..."
12. All the color pictures in the middle section have Bush replaced with the black kid in the wheelchair from Malcolm in the Middle.
13. 3 Words: Full Frontal Nudity.
14. It was 700+ pages of George W. Bush talking about how silly he feels about having been so religious while in office. He then embarrassingly reveals his regret over letting his religious beliefs cloud his judgement when trying to make decisions for our country.
15. It was a memoir of George A. Romero.

You're Welcome,

Dave